Repressed Anger: The Ultimate Guide
Releasing my repressed anger has been the most transformational practice I have EVER done.
I used to be a very anxious, people-pleasing alcoholic. Once I got sober, I started doing some of the deeper emotional work. And I was AMAZED at the huge amount of raw anger energy that started to come up.
I have done thousands of hours of all kinds of meditations, inquiries, psychedelics, bodywork and yoga and so on.
Nothing was more freeing than working with anger. It felt like fires were going out in my body, leaving a newfound lightness. There was a spaciousness and expansiveness within. Addictions started to fade. Many patterns of thinking fell away.
Anger is serious business, folks. It’s not just some little emotion that comes up every now and again. This is life-changing stuff.
Since then, working with clients, I have learned that almost everyone is walking around with vast stores of repressed rage, anger and frustration held in their bodies causing them all kinds of problems..
Society at large believes that anger is dangerous and has conditioned us to repress it. And growing up we are often shut down or rejected when we get angry, teaching us to hold it in.
The problem is that our anger is our power. Our lifeforce. When we are forced to repress it we lose that power and are unable to stand up for ourselves, must anxiously avoid conflict and people-please, we have trouble saying ‘no’ or setting appropriate boundaries.
And the massive amount of stuck anger in our system wreaks havoc in our lives: driving addictions, compulsive thinking, catastrophising, anxiety, depression and even physical conditions like autoimmune disorders (all of which are ways we unconsciously use to distract from and keep the anger repressed).
Here are some of the signs that there is a lot of anger in your system under the surface that has never been acknowledged:
You never feel angry (but anxious, sad or depressed)
Your anger only comes out in explosive bursts
You struggle to assert yourself, set boundaries and say ‘no’
You can be passive-aggressive, cynical or sarcastic
You feel jealous or resentful of others
You avoid conflict, tending to people-please rather than be authentic and honest
You find it hard to express your needs and desires
You feel uncomfortable around other people’s anger
You suffer from chronic pain and other physical issues that have no apparent cause
If any of those resonate, this thoroughly comprehensive guide covers everything you need to know about repressed anger, why it matters and what to do about it.
P.S. If you want to get straight to the practices, jump to the ‘How to Release Repressed Anger’ section.
Hey, I’m Ben :)
Working with repressed anger can be tricky by ourselves. It’s hard to know what to do, how to work with our resistances or feel/express it in a way that feels productive and not harmful.
I work 1 to 1 with people to help them integrate their repressed anger so they can feel lighter and freer.
Just hit the button below to book a free chat and I can go through how my experiential, body-based approach might be able to help you.
1. What Is Anger?
Anger is an emotion that arises to defend us against a sense of incapacity.
It is always bound up with the pain and hurt of being incapable, incompetent, helpless. It defends us against this hurt by making us feel more powerful, capable and in control. (Even if only in our own minds).
The pain of incapability feels threatening and the anger is what moves us to do something about it. In this way, we can defend and stand up for ourselves.
In this way, anger is a healthy, desirable and necessary part of our psychological make up.
When properly integrated, it is part of what makes us capable human beings that can make things happen in the world and be ourselves authentically.
3. What Is Anger Repression?
Anger repression is a deeply intelligent survival adaptation.
This is when we unconsciously reject our own anger when it arises, cut it off from ourselves and push it down into some dark corner of our body-mind in order to stay safe.
That anger response then gets ‘frozen’ in time, stuck in the tissues of the body leaving us in a painful state of chronic hyperarousal. And that repressed anger energy will keep looping in our unconscious until it finds completion.
When we get really triggered, this accumulated anger will occasionally explode outwards, causing lots of hurt. Or it will simmer, where we exhaust ourselves trying to keep it repressed, which causes all sorts of physical, mental and emotional health issues.
This pattern originates from our childhood relationship to our experience of anger. Children need help regulating their nervous systems
There are two main ways this happens:
Our anger was too much for us:
When anger arose, we weren’t given the support we needed to meet the intensity of the anger. We felt overwhelmed and alone and had to disconnect from the anger to cope
Our anger was too much for them:
It was unsafe to feel and express our anger because the people around us would get triggered and shut us down, ignore, abandon us, punish us etc.
Say, for example, that as a child our parents don’t listen to us. To get their attention, we get angry! But then we are punished for getting angry. Maybe severely. If this happens repeatedly, we quickly learn to disconnect and dissociate from our anger to stay safe.
Once this pattern has been set, it becomes a groove that we wear deeper and deeper. Each time anger is triggered, we instantly (and unconsciously) reject it and push it down.
Instead, we freeze, go numb or dissociate. Or another emotion arises to cover over the anger, such as shame, disgust or fear.
This is compounded by the general social aversion to anger. Admitting that you are experiencing the emotion of anger is rarely acceptable at school, work etc., because it is associated with behaving dangerously or is interpreted as offensive or rude.
After years of repeating this pattern, we become essentially incapable of feeling or expressing anger. And rather than using our anger/life-force to stand up for ourselves, we people please, avoid conflict and prioritise others’ needs over our own.
Remember, at some point in your life, repressing your anger would have been necessary to help you survive a challenging situation or period. It’s not wrong or bad. It’s just outgrown its usefulness.
Many people confuse healthy anger with unhealthy anger. And then demonise anger and repress it.
What’s the difference?
A healthy relationship to anger has the following traits:
Distinguish between emotion and behaviour:
You can feel anger, without needing to behave angrily (e.g. aggression, yelling etc.)Contained:
Your nervous system has the capacity to hold the energy of the anger without being overwhelmedPresent/connected:
You are able to be present with the anger, connecting with it directly and not being in your head
No resistance:
You don’t resist the anger and it flows through, without leaving a trace or imprint on your nervous system
Constructive:
It supports you to move through life in a powerful and effective way, without harming you or othersRegulated:
We can move flexibly in and out of the state of anger as needed
When we relate to anger in this way, we integrate it into ourselves and it becomes our power and lifeforce.
Note: we will never do any of this perfectly, it’s just a rough guide!
An unhealthy relationship to anger is more along the lines of the following:
Emotion and behaviour are conflated:
We think being angry means behaving angrily
Explosive:
Rather than being contained and, it explodes, overwhelms us and hijacks our nervous system
Absent/disconnected:
We cannot connect to the anger in our body and we either in our head or projecting it out onto others/the world
Resistance:
We unconsciously resist the energy of the anger, trying to resolve it by attacking other people, which perpetuates it
Destructive:
Uncontained, it harms us and it harms others
Dysregulated:
We get stuck in angry nervous system states unable to calm down, sometimes for days
When we relate to anger in this way, we lose control and unleash our anger on the world, causing harm.
As a society we have an unhealthy relationship to anger. And to avoid the destructive consequences we don’t develop a healthier relationship to the anger, but are taught to deny, repress and disconnect from it.
This is the problem of anger repression.
2. Healthy Vs Unhealthy Anger
4. How Do We Repress Anger?
What is the mechanism that allows us to repress anger?
It consists of two parts: an unconscious belief about how we should behave and some kind of physiological means of holding in the anger.
Unconscious belief
The belief is the part of the programming that tells us what to do with our anger and why.
So, for example, if whenever we got angry when we were small our parents would yell at us and send us to our room, we swiftly learn that anger is a threat to getting our needs met (i.e. parental love and attention).
So we take on beliefs like:
I’m bad/unloveable
Anger is bad
If I get angry, I will be punished
We take these on to help protect ourselves by repressing the anger.
Physiological holding
Alongside this we will find a way of keeping the anger repressed in the body.
This can happen in a number of ways: dissociating, numbing out, tensing against the anger, projecting our anger onto others, other emotions arise to cover it over (e.g. shame or fear), anxiety, chronic pain arises to distract us…anything and everything can be used to repress our anger!
Over time, the repressed anger solidifies into tight contractions in the body. These contractions are painful and drive us to seek relief through external means (people-pleasing, addictions, distractions, coping mechanisms of all kinds).
5. The Consequences of Anger Repression
Anger is an unbelievably powerful emotion. It has a HUGE amount of energy within it.
Importantly, when we push it down, it doesn’t disappear. That massive surge of energy continues to loop unconsciously in the background of your experience, looking to defend against a perceived threat. It’s anger that is stuck in the ‘on’ position.
That’s why repressed anger can have such serious consequences. Repressing that much raw energy takes some doing and has serious side-effects.
In this section, we’ll explore in some detail what happens when we repress our anger.
1. We experience reality through our anger stuck on loop
This repressed anger energy that is stuck on loop is always looking to complete itself, so it’s actively seeking to get triggered.
This means that we see the world through the eyes of that repressed anger that is looking for completion.
For example, imagine that your anger originated because you were not listened to by your parents. Now, if a friend or colleague (maybe decades later) shows any kind of sign that they aren’t listening, that will trigger decades worth of rage which may suddenly explode.
We will see people not listening to us everywhere because that’s the filter we’re seeing the world through.
This is why people are sometimes irritated by innocuous behaviours or words. They are perceiving through this lens of repressed rage.
2. We give up our personal power and capacity
Integrated, healthy anger is our lifeforce and power. When we disconnect from it, we relinquish our personal power and capacities.
We have no way of defending ourselves and have to go through life avoiding situations where we might have to use that power, i.e.: avoiding situations where we might conflict or hiding our true expression for fear of being judged (because we won’t be able to stand up to the judgement).
We do this by avoiding:
Saying ‘no’ or setting boundaries
Saying what you really think/believe
Expressing our needs and/or wants
Putting ourselves out there to be seen (and judged!) by others
We do this because we are afraid that being ourselves authentically might trigger the other person and they will react with anger or judgement, to which we have no defence.
For example, we might avoid dancing how we want because we fear that if someone laughs at us we don’t have the power to stand up for ourselves.
It might seem crazy that anger repression is linked to feeling a bit awkward on the dancefloor…but it’s true! Think of a fluid, confident dancer in a nightclub. They are full of power and lifeforce! They emanate that don’t-give-a-crap energy. They can handle themselves, because they have integrated some of that power.
3. We adopt fake compensations to avoid conflict
When we don’t have access to anger and must avoid conflict, we have to find other ways of defending ourselves from the feeling of incapability and to be able to set boundaries.
People-pleasing: we invalidate our own opinions, desires and feelings and just go along with or agree with other people to avoid any potential conflict that could require us to set a boundary
Anxiety: we become anxious to try to anticipate any potential conflict so that we can preempt it by behaving differently
Passive-aggression: rather than stating our needs or setting boundaries clearly, we feel unsafe to do so so we try to ‘say it without saying it’ by using passive-aggressive means such as silent treatment, withholding attention/affection, sarcasm and many others.
Depression: depression is anger turned inwards, we shut ourselves down to contain the energy of the anger in the unconscious
Paranoia: we project our anger outwards and imagine that others are angry with us. “The anger isn’t in me, no, it’s out there!”
Ignoring our own needs: we see anger and conflicts as bad and put a lot of energy into meeting others’ needs so as to maintain peace and harmony and ignoring our own
Perfectionism: we strive to be perfect to avoid criticism that will trigger in us a sense of being incapable/incompetent (and thus trigger anger as a defence)
Self-righteousness: the unrelenting personal and moral standards of the self-righteous person is a kind of perfectionism that is projected outwards onto others (they desire ‘perfect moral behaviour’ so their anger won’t be triggered)
Self-hatred/self-criticism: rather than expressing the anger we hold towards others, we simply turn it on ourselves and try to force ourselves into becoming ‘better’
4. Physical, mental and emotional dis-ease
When we’re repressing massive amounts of sympathetic energy and holding it all in place with these coping mechanisms there can be mental, emotional and physical dis-ease and dysfunction as a result.
There are a huge number of physical issues that are actually driven by repressed anger, such as chronic pain, autoimmune disorders, insomnia, gut issues, panic attacks, migraines and so on.
In order to avoid conflict and keep our anger in check, we can move into dysfunctional emotional states, from which we live our entire lives! All the things in the list above like anxiety and depression.
Also, in order to cut ourselves off from our anger, we have to cut ourselves off from our positive feelings: joy, happiness, connection, creativity and so on. We become numb to the good things in life.
6. The Benefits of Releasing Repressed Anger
“Why the hell would I want to go near my anger?” you might ask!
By releasing our anger, we can relieve all the painful symptoms and survival patterns listed above.
Free yourself from people-pleasing, anxiety, depression, paranoia, perfectionism, self-righteousness, (self-)criticism/judgement! As well as many of the physical ailments like chronic pain or autoimmune disorders.
What’s more, your anger doesn’t actually just ‘dissolve’ or ‘disappear’ as you release it.
It is reintegrated into your Self and your Being. As it was before you learned that you had to reject and disconnect from it.
When anger is integrated into your being it changes from a negative, defensive structure into a positive, supportive structure.
This means it ceases to be a reactive burst of rage and becomes a latent sense of power, strength and capacity. It is that inherent strength within you that means you can act decisively in the world and that others take you seriously.
Positive, integrated, contained anger-as-power means you can:
Set clear boundaries
Say ‘no’
Clearly express your opinions/beliefs
Clearly express needs and desires
Trust yourself
Follow your own intuition
Stand up for yourself
Make bold, authentic life choices
Kick ass in general :)
That’s enough theory. Let’s get into how to actually release the anger.
7. How To Release Repressed Anger
There are a few stages to be able to release our repressed anger. In this section, I’ll explain how to develop each of them.
It can take time and we go bit by bit. Gradually increasing access to our anger. This is a marathon, not a sprint. And there’s no particular rush.
Here are the three steps:
Contemplate your relationship to anger
Get in touch with the body
Get in touch with the anger
Feel the anger
Embody the anger
Contemplate your relationship to anger
We are deeply conditioned to view emotions in certain ways. Take a moment to consider how you have been taught to relate to your anger with questions like the following:
Do you think anger is a good or bad thing?
Do you feel comfortable feeling and expressing anger?
Is there a part of you that feels like it’s inappropriate or unacceptable to feel anger?
What do you fear will happen if you express anger?
What happened when you were a child when you got angry? Was it allowed or shut down?
2. Get in touch with your present experience of the body
Start by taking a moment just to get present with your body sensations. Notice what’s here, whether it's a bit of tension, relaxation, numbness…whatever is here in this exact moment.
Then just take a moment to resource your nervous system to help it feel safe. Common resources include feeling one’s feet on the ground, slow exhales, supportive touch (stroking, patting, bilateral holding etc.), imagining a safe place, inviting in the presence of a supportive being to support you, gentle breathwork/body movements and so on.
I have a massive toolkit of nervous system regulation exercises (over 115, organised and with full instructions) here or you can check out my full video guide on how to build a resource here.
Get in touch with the anger
Start to invite in your anger.
Maybe you can do that straight away or, if not, try imagining a person or situation that makes you angry. Try to step into your anger at that situation or person.
At this point, things can go one of two ways. Either the anger will come up, in which case go onto the next stage. Or you might notice a part of you (thought or sensation) that steps in to prevent the anger from arising.
You might feel:
Tension: you feel tight, frozen or an almost physical pushing away of the anger
Dissociation: you might check out from your body or experience numbness
Other emotions: another emotion always arises as soon as you start to get in touch with your anger (shame or fear are very common, for example).
Or thoughts might come up like, “It’s not a big deal” or “I’m not sure I’m justified being angry here” or “They were just trying to be X, Y, Z”. These tend to be ways we unconsciously avoid our anger by giving the benefit of the doubt.
Just notice these parts and explore how they are coming to you. See if you can let them be as they are. Reassure them using some of the techniques from stage 2: placing a hand there, breathing into the tension or resistance, sending compassionate awareness to that part of you.
Just let these parts be tense or resistant. If we allow them, they tend to relax and we can get in touch with the anger again. This can take time. If you feel like this is enough, you can stop at this point and return later.
3.Feel the anger
This is when we can start to allow some of the sympathetic energy and survival stress to discharge and also allow the anger to express itself through body movements and sounds.
(Note that if we allow our anger to explode suddenly it can retraumatise us; we must gradually develop our capacity to stay present with intense emotion. The capacity to be with intense emotions (like anger) is something that we can develop, just like going to the gym.)
Firstly, acknowledge the anger. Start to acknowledge this part of you. Be honest about the fact that anger is here. You can simply start saying to yourself “I’m angry, I’m angry!”, feeling into it more and more.
Secondly, feel the anger. We let it be exactly as it is, without resistance. Explore the sensations of the anger, getting curious about them. Put your attention on the sensation of anger itself. Stay present and connected to the sensations.
If you start to get overwhelmed or it’s feeling too much, back off and return to your resource or do some practices to regulate your nervous system.
(For more details check out my step-by-step guide to how to feel your feelings).
4. Embody the anger
You can connect to the anger even more by starting to embody it. This means we essentially merge with the emotion (without becoming overly-identified with or lost in it), expressing and moving as that emotion.
Anger is a very powerful energy that wants to move. We must sometimes let it complete whatever movement was disallowed (e.g. pushing someone away to protect ourselves or punching to defend). Here are some ideas:
Posture: stand up, jump up and down, move around!
Gestures: raise your fists in defiance, push away
Movements: you can try putting your hands in the air and throwing them down to release the anger, punch a pillow.
Sounds: grunt, yell, scream, sigh…
The trick is to move slow, stay present and grounded. Don’t let the energy just explode. Contain it!
At a certain point, this may feel ‘complete’, in which case move on downregulating your nervous system again.
Or, you may notice that you start to lose touch with the anger as defences start to step in. That’s great, just allow it. Maybe return to step 3 and just be with those defences again, discerning and being curious about them.
You can go back and forth between the anger and regulatory practices to increase your capacity to hold anger and to train your nervous system to become more flexible. This helps to ‘unstick’ the anger which is stuck in the ‘on’ position.
Final Thoughts
A Note on Hurt
At some point, if you hold and feel your anger with sufficient containment, it will start to give way to the sadness, pain and hurt that lies underneath.
This is what the anger was seeking to protect us from all along.
We can take similar steps here to get in touch with the hurt. Cultivating safety, discerning the hurt, feeling into it and allowing it.
As we metabolise the hurt, the anger that was protecting it no longer has any reason to stick around and may dissolve also.
Things That May Change As You Heal
As you go through the healing journey, you will move through some broad stages. It can be helpful to be aware of these so you have an understanding of what’s going on.
Anger may come up more frequently
You may notice that as the defences soften, you experience spontaneous bursts of anger arising, for no particular reason. Or that you get angry more often and perhaps feel more sensitive/triggered.
Anger from the past at how you were treated or that wanted to defend you will suddenly come up, unannounced!
This is—in the big picture—a sign of healing. It means you are restoring access to your anger. Do you best to just allow the sensation of the anger, using some of the ideas above to metabolise it.
As you continue to process and metabolise your anger, the outbursts will cool down again.
Others Might Not Like It
As you start to get more comfortable with anger (and, as a result, with saying ‘no’, setting boundaries and generally being less of a people-pleaser), you might find a few conflicts arising with friends and family.
Where they expect you to just go along with what they want, you may decide to stand your ground. And they might resist.
Do your best to find a balanced ground between looking after your own needs and being authentic, on the one hand, and compromising if you want to maintain the connection on the other. Some relationships may come to an end, while others begin :).
Right. That’ll do!
If you have any questions hit me up ben@drunkenbuddha.net.
Need a hand getting in touch with your own anger? Setting boundaries? Being able to say ‘no’ without feeling like you’re responsible for other peoples’ emotions?
Get in touch :)